Back in the dawn of time, there were expanses of land so fine that people had no choice but to accept that a heavenly being had made them. Land left untouched, people lived in caves because damaging the earth was an unspeakable sin, and clearly these homes are already built in. Let’s tend to the land we’ve been given, because we’re all just lodgers here with no permission from the landlord to move things around. But, before long, came mud huts that melted away, then brick that was there to stay; the sin no longer unspeakable, the land no longer untreatable because the people needed a place and the space was there. With every crowded room came a great idea to build another and wait until that filled up, too. Castles were built for kings and queens, gutters for the poor, then pavements and roads and corners- let’s give ourselves a front lawn and pretend that that makes us nature lovers. Why don’t we all take a trip to see the world’s tallest building? It’s just Tetris pieces stacked on top of each other- by the way, have you even seen the world’s tallest tree? It’s leaves are as high as the sky, but no, let’s not talk about things that come naturally, let’s count windows. A ‘wonder of the world’ is a pile of bricks stacked in a pyramid fashion, we’ve forgotten the land that came before them but we can’t even see that far back because light pollution clouds our vision and covers up the stars. We want a map of the universe, but we’re hiding it away. And now I sit, surrounded by brick in a war-torn world where people want to find themselves but there are buildings in the way. And I can barely see past the end of my nose because a house backs on to mine; the world is my oyster but I’m at a seafood buffet and the other oysters are in my way. I walk on pavements every day but the roots of trees are popping up from underneath the tarmac as if to say - “Free me! I was here first!” Why is it that we build tarmac squares for our children to play on when we’re clearly being taught a lesson from the fact that you don’t get a scab when you fall down on grass. The harshness of the world we’ve built is all squares, but the most beautiful things are asymmetric so call me overly poetic, but my curtains are shut for far too much of the time, and it’s ridiculous that I only feel safe when I’m two inches from my front door because all of this wasn’t here before. I put posters on my wall because none of it is really mine, none of it grew from the ground or makes the sound of wind through leaves because we’ve soundproofed it. Let’s close the windows and draw the blinds and hide in the rectangular box that we call home and ignore the fact that we’ve replaced green for grey and night for day with our hundred watt light bulbs because before? The sky was the limit. But now, people are ducking to walk through door frames. But what can I do about it? It was like this when I got here.
Since about December I have found myself living a very different lifestyle and subsequently treating myself and my circle differently as well. A change in career or location or inner circle or habits is not something new to me-I’ve been all over the place and been many different people-but what I am realizing about it all now is something very new. There are a lot of people out there, like me, that build a dream, makes steps toward realizing it, are setback terribly, and consequently forge a new path in life during their rebound. Each time a new plan is devised it is done so more conservatively, with more compromise.Ironically, each time it is done with less patience for others and willingness to make sacrifices. We begin to doubt ourselves, doubt our dreams, and douse our chances of being happy and successful. The truth is that for many of us the route to our destiny is more like a journey. It takes us so many places we never imagined seeing. So many people, places, and things come and go. Only memories, values, dreams, and the ability to enjoy the adventure; stay with us throughout it. Those are the indelible things we can count on. So as I look at my life this month, and I see every apsect of it affected, I have a choice to make. On one hand, I can resist these obstacles and question my opportunities in order to feel like I cannot be changed nor have my life altered. On the other, I can embrace these high highs and low lows; demonstrate that no matter what happens, I am still me and that these changes only better prepare me for my future. Life deals the deck of fate in a painful, but measured way. I’ve noticed that as I get older, whatever I repeatedly take for granted leaves me disappointed in myself exponentially more so than the time before. I’ve come to learn that I can take something for granted, dwell on the past, and make the same mistakes over and over in life. I also know I can learn, grow, love and let go…. It’s a lot about letting go. When you try to force something to work, to keep someone or something near; those are the times you are missing the big picture. So many great things in life flow towards you when you flow with it. You have a choice on how to react to all things. Your reactions reflect your true self. Job titles, street names, events on calendars…they don’t define you…they’re just part of the process. Even getting new things, having romance, and climbing the corporate ladder affect our perception of our own success. But we have got to remember that if it came in an instant, it will be gone in an instant. How we overcome obstacles, what battles we choose to fight, who we let go of or why, who we stand up for, how often we think of others and not ourselves….life can’t force us to change these things about ourselves. And yet we forget that, and its importance, because we can’t see these traits by the way a person walks down the street. I have a lot to lose right now. I am invested in and challenged by so many things. Some things brand new, others have time on them. The criticality of my immediately future choices and the amount of what is at stake causes me sometimes to forget that I have been here before. But a few things are different this time around. 1) I am not worried or saddened at the prospect of loss because something would be gained. 2) I am judging my actions and contributions to situations more honestly and realistically. 3) I am realizing not only what kind of people are in or out of my life, but that I have a desire and an ability to keep only the good ones around. 4) There is little sense in compromising a lifestyle or habit or routine that makes you happy, for someone else, because they asked. However, never forget that you can compromise; and that it may be the key to saving the thing that makes you the happiest. in conclusion, things change; but I don’t change. I’ve just learned when to say what, what to do when, and when to ask why. I am who I will be. Love me, or leave me alone.
Scorpio Resurrected
The eyes are the window to the soul. Passions rage, and the fire burn, behind the intense gaze of the Scorpio. Uncovering your darkest secrets and learning your deepest desire, when engaged in a conversation that has captivated the Scorpio’s attention, they will stare directly into your eyes. Its not the words from your breath, but the breath from your lips that a Scorpio is listening for. Drawing from you, the connection, the bond that will bring you closer. The slightest touch is all that is needed, maybe a hand softly placed of your cheek. You’ve both become locked in. Body slowly starts to tremble, your heart beat is almost deafening in your own ears. The very breath Scorpio has been listening to, has become shallow and quick, and Scorpio is so close now, it is felt on their lips. Primal instincts have succumb your rational thought. You want to think what they think. Feel what they feel. Taste how they taste. So close, your lips have finally reached each others. One quick inhale….and then, for a split second, the breath you had worked so hard to steady, is frozen. Eyes closed, you feel your blood starting to pump harder. Lips pressing harder and harder. One hand slides from your waste, up to the center of your back, bringing you in as close as two souls can be, then finally, with the slightest of moans, your exhale. I suppose you’ll have to imaging the rest.
Moving down the streams of my lifetime Pulls the fascination in my sleeve Cooling off the fire on my longing Boiling off my cold within his heat, Melting down the walls of inhibition Evaporating all of my fears Baptizing me into complete submission Dissolving my condition with his tears He’s just like the water I ain’t felt this way in years Coursing through my senses, he’s prevailing Floating through the space of my design Drowning me to find my inside sailing Drinking in the mainstream of his mind. Filling up the cup of my emotions Spilling over into all I do If I only I could get lost in his ocean Surviving on the thought of loving you He’s just like the water I ain’t felt this way in years, in years. Bathing in the fountain of his essence He causes my expression to remain .Humbled on a mountain by his presence. Washing my intentions with his name. Sealing off the floodgates of his passions Saving all his liquid for his own Moisturizing me to satisfaction In my imagination, no, no He’s pouring out his soul to me for hours and hours Drawing out my nature with his hands Yearning, I’m so thirsty for his power Burning to be worthy of his land He’s just like the water I ain’t felt this way in years. Cleaning me, he’s purging me And moving me around He’s bathing me and he’s claiming me And moving me around, around And around and around and around Watching me, claiming me Moving me around He’s purging me, he’s been cleaning me And moving me around and around and around……
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~Unknown There was a time when I was quite black-and-white with relationships. I either trusted you implicitly, assuming you’d never intentionally hurt me, or believed you wanted to cause me pain and questioned everything you did. Once you moved yourself into the latter category, there was no going back.
Eventually I realized I was limiting my relationships by not recognizing the grey area, where people are human, they make mistakes, and they need forgiveness and understanding. From there I swung the pendulum the other way—I trusted everyone. I refused to consider that someone’s actions might reflect that they didn’t truly care. And I stayed in a lot of unhealthy relationships while making excuses for people.I wanted them to care. I wanted to believe they valued me—that it only meant I was interpreting incorrectly if their actions seemed to suggest otherwise. This is where it gets confusing. On the one hand, we often create a lot of meaning in our heads that isn’t really there. We may feel convinced someone intended to be rude, inconsiderate, or thoughtless when really that wasn’t the case. On the other hand, sometimes actions speak louder than words, and our interpretations may be accurate.
Sometimes someone is knowingly hurtful or neglectful. We need to be able to recognize that or we’ll end up feeling disempowered, disrespected, and stuck. So how do you know when to stay and when to walk away? How do you know when you’re not reading into things too much, or being too paranoid, or making mountains out of molehills, but rather simply seeing things for what they are? 1. Do their actions frequently contradict their words? Anyone can contradict themselves once or twice. We’re only human, and sometimes we make mistakes. It’s consistent behavior that conveys how someone really feels. His actions consistently reinforced that he wasn’t open to the type of relationship I wanted, at least not with me. That didn’t mean he intended to hurt me, or that he was a bad guy. It just meant that he wasn’t available or interested in being there for me in the way I knew I needed.Words can be deceiving, because sometimes when we lie to others it’s because we’re also lying to ourselves. Trust actions. That’s where the truth is. 2. Does this person turn things around on you, as if their actions are your fault?It can be difficult to recognize those consistently unacceptable actions if you convince yourself you’re somehow responsible for them. You might tell yourself that they regularly ignore your needs because you’re too needy. Or they belittle you because you’ve made mistakes in the past. In other words, you might justify their mistreatment because they try to make you feel like you’re the “wrong one” or the “crazy one.” When someone truly cares, they don’t use your mistakes or imperfections to justify neglect or emotional blackmail. There came a point when I realized that people who truly respected me would encourage me to grow; but they wouldn’t let my weaknesses become an excuse to intimidate or disparage me. When in doubt, step back and ask yourself, “What would I tell a friend if s/he were in my shoes?” Odds are, you’d know the truth, and the wisest thing to do. The question now becomes: Can you treat yourself kindly and walk away from what you know isn’t right?
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just wanted to add to this, that it’s not about giving up, it’s about what’s healthy for you….if someone is a detriment to your life, than leaving them isn’t giving up. It’s being smart
At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
